A Little Bit Sad

I had two ideas for posts floating around in my head yesterday. One was about how much I hate public transportation and the second was about how happy I am about having had a girl. Then I started reading The Sweet Hereafter by Russell Banks and after that I was a basket case.

The book is told through the voices of the people that were affected by a school bus crash that killed 14 children of a small town in up state New York. Needless to say I was crying non stop, it is amazing how I cry at everything now. I have always been a very empathetic person but now since Isa was born I am worse. Not that I think that it is bad to be empathetic it is that it affects me for a very long time. When something or someone makes me happy it is great because I am in a good mood for days but when I hear or read or see something that makes me sad or angry then I am this way for long time.

This book got me thinking about losing the ones I love and how I would cope with it. I have to be honest and say that I don't know how I would react, I have never lost anyone that I loved and so I have not experienced death. As I read the part of the accident and the children dying, I kept thinking about Isa and how I would cope with her death if it came suddenly. I don't know what I would do, I don't know if I would completely shut my self in, if I will be strong enough to get help, will I let myself love someone again or will I retreat in fear of loosing that person. I just don't know and I don't want to know.

I have not spent time thinking about this for too long in the past, for the obvious reason that I just don't want to think about it. I also don't want to live in fear of what I just can't control. There are days when I think that I/ my family must really live that day like it was our last. We should appreciate being together and spend as much time together. We should not worry too much that Isa is not eating so well, that she is having problems feeding herself, that we are tired and just want to spend all day in bed, that the cat threw up again and so on. This book has reminded me of this, I will worry less about the pile of laundry that has to be done, about the mountain of dirty dishes that I have to put away and the lack of dinner, instead I will spend the short hours that I have with my Isa every weekday playing with her and cuddling her because you just never know. And lets not forget the Husband, we two must also spend time together and not just family time but couple time.

Now, I know that I will still freak out about stuff and I will forget to take my own advise and once the store is open I will be even more exhausted but the important thing is to make the effort.

Sorry for the gloomy post...like I said things affect me. I will be in a good mood again when I finish the book, which should be tomorrow.